Today on my walk, I decided to leave my ipod behind (probably because I misplaced the headphones or the fact that I didn’t want to be distracted in my talk with God). Either way, I began my walk when I got an image revealed to me while I spoke to the Lord. When I think of grieving and mourning, I am reminded by a butterfly and a larva.

A larva is enclosed in this hardened shell and it struggles against it as it grows inside. The struggles are painful to the larva, excruciating suffering inflicted on the poor creature that if a passerby noticed, it might feel sorry and want to free the caged insect. But this is all part of God’s plan for that larva… to go through that suffering so that it can become strong and break from the cage eventually to become a beautiful butterfly. Same thing goes for mourning… The Lord heals in a process. It starts out with us denying the truth of a loss. Then anger that something could possibly be lost. Then despair at the fact that there is a loss. Then a breakdown where the loss becomes so clear in the mind and that this loss can never be replaced. Then the healing… The denial, the anger, the despair, the breakdown and realization are all part of the healing process. If we skip the anger and the despair and the denial, if we are rescued from the hardened shell too early, we might miss out what God wants us to learn there. We might miss out on the strength that God has for us there.

Yesterday, I began my new journey–my decision to live and love deliberately. And I came to the realization today that the devil is such a whining punk. Really, he hates when we take grieving and still praise God, still dedicate our lives to him instead of wallowing in the dark and forgetting God. He hates it when we decide to surrender ourselves to God. Yesterday, I started out with getting rid of selfishness and coldness. Most times, I don’t seek people out to greet them or show them much compassion. My philosophy was ‘if they want to talk to me, they’ll come to me.’ I realize that “me” was too much in my philosophy, in my way of living… much more than Jesus, love and others.

I made up a blog yesterday to account for my new life, my new decision to live and love deliberately. And this blog will keep accountability of the change that I so desperately need in my life. I want God to use me as a willing vessel for his work.

But anyway, like I was saying… The devil decided to attack me with guilt and self-depreciation yesterday night through a series of dreams and images. I was so disgusted with myself and thought, ‘God how can I possibly do what you want me to do with all this going on inside of me…’ Then I remembered a scripture that was read during a friend’s memorial service about her life and how she fully surrendered all, despite her past. The scripture, Romans 8: 1-4 reads:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.”

Because we are free from condemnation, let us walk in the Spirit of God and do the Will of God, following the purpose He has for us. I turn a deaf ear to the devil’s accusations, especially if I have confessed my sins and choose to live in Christ, I am a new creature and that the old things have passed away and I have become new in Christ. I rejoice that I can do His will and strive to be a better child of God, spreading his good news to the world. That He loves YOU!

Be Blessed.

… >> post transported from livejournalaccount <<

All this time, I have been wondering to myself why I even opened a LiveJournal account but after the live-changing event that happened this week, I am now sure what this will be. A journal that accounts for the changes I will make in my life from henceforth.

Sounds like a tall order… But I’m very prepared and even more inspired by my brother’s life and Jennifer’s life. This life is too short to not live in God’s purpose. I must achieve what He’s sent me to this earth to do. With that said, I’m off to set some priorities and clean house.

For where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. I am once again reminded of this psalm, this cry to the Lord… Twice.

Death has plagued me again this week and it’s still as painful as it was six years ago with my brother. This time, I find myself being reminded once again how short life is… How banal my life has been until now. How purposeful my life will become now. The life that has faded away this week, touched me more than I thought possible.

Seeing someone you thought would always be around to smile at you… to tease you for being too serious… To see that person who has such a vibrant beam in her eyes now lying amid cotton and painted wood, immobile in a box with her hands folded and her eyes closed impassively, her lips slack and her once-smooth blushing skin just slack… It makes me weep painfully. I promised never to look at a person I admired and care for like this, not wanting to remember them in such a fashion. After my brother, I swore to myself never to go to another wake for someone I cared for. Then there was this perverse curiosity that came over me, wanting to go over to the coffin and look down at her, waiting for her to blink those long blond lashes and look up at me with her smoky blue eyes. To give me that strange expression that says ‘what’s your problem now, Dee?” and rise up from the coffin.

It didn’t happen and the more I stood there, wishing a finger would stir or her cheek would twitch, nothing. Nothing. Just like six years ago when my brother’s waxen face refused to move as we stared at him, as we whispered his name to wake him up. I hate death so much. I hate the empty, void feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, at the very core of your heart–even for a woman that I never shared my life with, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself just because her light, her life is no longer in mine.

Death is a surreal feeling at first. The thought that you are staring at the immobile form of someone who you just saw yesterday or the day before, or even a MONTH before, thinking in your mind that you will see them at the next big event–the next family event… And they never show. They’ll never show. You won’t hear their laughter clear across the hall, you won’t see those vibrant blue eyes gleaming with joy and explosive happiness! It pains me everytime I think about how death came and stole the many precious moments we could have had with her.

On my facebook profile, I wrote that I wish I had ONE MORE day to appreciate you. You’d think after six years of regretting not saying words of love to my brother, that I’d spend those six years appreciating EVERYONE. Yet here I am again. Regretting. Ashamed of myself for not telling this woman that she meant a million words to me. That her easy-going smile, her faceless love and her undeniable charm and passion for people really inspired and touched me deeply. The way she LOVED people… I never said thank you, or that I admired her very much. It pains me that it’s taking me another death to realize this.

Another thing this has taught me is to LOVE, to SPEAK words of love and truth into the lives of EVERYONE I come in contact with. This woman lived without regrets and as our pastor said… She LIVED a DELIBERATE life of love for ALL people she came in contact with. Even if she didn’t particularly care for your attitude or behavior, she LOVED… LOVED… LOVED!

I pray that I will not forget this AGAIN and start living deliberately in love. Start living deliberately in truth. Start living deliberately in CHRIST. Father God, help us.

Missing you more than you know, Jennifer Fleenor Usanga.

Rest in the arms of your Lord and Savior. When I see you in heaven along with my brother, believe that I will say these words to you there. I love you.

This week, I am reminded of the famous saying that “you do not appreciate something until you have lost it.” As life is concerned, you do not miss something until it’s gone. Death. A word most people know and shudder at the thought of it affecting them. Again, death has come to remind us that it is not gone forever. It has not disappeared with the one before. When your life begins again after a long process of grieving, death comes in like a flood to attack your mind, your spirit and your body.

This week, I was reminded of death’s painful grip on a person’s heart. When someone who is loved, appreciated and cherished by many people has suddenly left the world without a word of goodbye, I am left again with the nagging regret that I did not let this person know how much I appreciated them. A light snuffed out in the dark, the warmth fading in the cold… leaving an unbalanced mix of despair and hope.

But in I Thessalonians 4:13-18, it says…

And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don’t want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.

And then this: We can tell you with complete confidence—we have the Master’s word on it—that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they’ll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God’s trumpet blast! He’ll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise—they’ll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we’ll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words.

Just as my brother, Tonbara, has gone to be with his Creator and Savior, so has this beautiful light who left the world for her eternal reward in Heaven. We who are left behind, should anticipate the day we too will go up to meet with them and rejoice that we are together again.

We miss and love you Jennifer. Rest in the arms of your savior.

So tired of the fighting and discord among Americans today.

So tired of seeing another campaign ad tearing someone else down.

So tired of the bitter looks and rancid words exchanged by once friends but now foes because of the election.

So tired of the irritating comments from ignorant people with disturbing mindsets.

I won’t even say who I’m voting for because it doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant to the frustration I am feeling as a new American citizen. What annoys me today and causes me to actually log into this dusty blog is the ignorance and arrogance of certain voters who will actually change our world in four days by their votes. My God, have mercy on this country.

Today, I read a very disturbing slogan from a young man who decided to mess up his Christian testimony by the words he pasted on an online profile. I was utterly disgusted by the way he put out his point-of-view and I couldn’t keep myself from saying something to him. For me, I don’t like to get into someone else’s business but when racism and sheer ignorance is put forth, I can’t sit still. Especially when Jesus is tagged at the end of the message. In this case, a man using slanderous filth to promote his message. Are you seriously joking me? My God, have mercy on this country. For goodness’ sake, don’t you dare use Jesus as propaganda if it isn’t supported in His word. Racism and Jesus DON’T go together.

I am tired and praying for this election to be over. God knows who will be president already and therefore, I will only put my trust in him. I just pray for the minds of those who have allowed themselves to be compromised because of it all. I will not sit down and say that I didn’t have bad thoughts about a certain candidate but my father told us that if we have nothing nice or uplifting to say to someone, shut your mouth and don’t spread your rancid profanity to the world who should hear about the love of Jesus. Please and thank you, stop your nonsensical blabbering. It’s repugnant and very degrading to the rest of the civil population who are wise enough to keep their comments either proper or to themselves if not.

In Proverbs, it says that a foolish man is even considered wise when he keeps his mouth shut… So I’ll be quiet now. God bless and save America. It’s only by Him that this country can be saved.

I seem to be distracted a lot this week. I pick up the GRE book, scan the pages and sigh. It’s all so annoying that since I was four, I’ve been studying. Not that is over by a long shot. Let’s see, once I pass GRE, it’s back to school for probably two years. This time, it’ll be engineering. The thought of it is mind-blogging. There are a lot of things I wished I did back in school. Sitting at home and studying after graduation didn’t cross my mind one bit! Haha. After taking PCAT with the intent of going to pharmacy school, life took a swift turn and said “Hey Dee, sorry but pharmacy ain’t your thing. Next!”

Well… Today, the house is rather quiet and I’ve been busying myself with architecture, designing houses on a graphic program (don’t ask me which one), and it’s very fun. Except that my GRE book is sitting beside me, nagging me to return… So I guess I should go.

Sigh… Oh to be free again.