Today, I woke up with this eerie feeling that something was not quite right. Restless and having unreasonable dreams as usual, I couldn’t understand why I was not at peace on this Monday morning after Easter. My weekend was quite dull, to say the least. Simply because I found myself isolated from all contact. I couldn’t explain the feeling of just wanting to be alone but being sad that I was indeed without companionship. From Good Friday till Easter Sunday, I was locked in my room like the hermit I used to be. I realized this was my comfort zone and barely noticed a whole day passing by without talking to anyone. At the end of the day, however, I found myself asking ‘why am I feeling lonely?”

Seems like a silly question but with my phone sitting next to me, I felt no desire to contact anyone. This morning, I woke up with the feeling that I was far away from God. I know it was an “attack,” a feeling that I sometimes get when I get reminded of my inadequacy and how I don’t deserve God’s mercy.

 But interesting enough, when I got ready for the day, I was reminded of what this weekend was about. Good Friday, when Jesus decided that because of his love for His Father and the world, that he would die for our sins so that we could receive unmerited grace and forgiveness. And the chance to experience God’s love for us. But it didn’t end there. On Easter Sunday, Jesus did not stay in that grave but rose from death and conquered all, breaking the chains of self-hate, inadequacies, the lies from our past… He died so that we could live and receive the grace and love of the Father. A love that we do not deserve but is a gift to those who believe in Him.

So with a grateful smile up at the heavens to my creator and savior, I can say that although I do not at all deserve His love or mercy, I am glad for the chance of God’s love on my life. Although I do not deserve His blessings or His purpose for me, I receive it with gratitude and surrender, trusting He’ll always come through.

If you are feeling like you could possibly not find the love that you desire, come to the Father. His love is all you will ever need. For there was never such a love as the One that died for His friends… Jesus’ love is the greatest of all.

Be blessed in His name.

This amazing title caught my eye while doing some devotional reading. Composed by renowned Christian author Oswald Chambers, it spoke volumes before I even read the commentary. “Out of the Wreck, I rise…” Speaks into my life as it is right now.

Today, I had a brief encounter with an old acquaintance that I had gotten rid of a long time ago. Despair. It came knocking at my door earlier today while I started my day. Unfortunately, I didn’t bid it farewell early enough and it hung around for most of the day. I was reminded, once again, of my failings and shortcomings. That same nagging voice that tells you that you can’t do this or you don’t have the ability or talent to do this. Instead of binding those thoughts away or showing this “acquaintance” the door, I mulled on it for longer than I should’ve. My devotion time was forgotten and pushed aside to accomodate Despair’s whispered suggestions and opinions.

Since that fateful day when my advisor called me in and said that I would graduate three months later instead of my due date, the day I would leave this campus with an awesome GPA planned out and my future set before me, everything… And I mean EVERYTHING suddenly changed. Instead of accepting it as God’s will, I began to question and whine and moan and argue and complain about this sudden change of course.

Now, I am reminded by a visual I thought about a long time ago.

A visual of a car with a dark screen blocking the back passengers’ seats from the driver’s seat. I picture myself in the back, seatbelted and ready for this journey. The car starts slowly and I am excited. For the first few miles, it’s an easy ride and I’m comfortable. I say ‘this driver is doing fantastically. Let’s keep going!’

Then all of a sudden, we hit a speed bump. Maybe two in a row. I’m a little startled and lean forward to knock on the black screen. ‘Hey, what’s going on over there?’ I hear myself calling out to the driver. I get no response as the car continues on. Perhaps for a while,there are no speedbumps. I relax back in my seat but not for too long. We hit a pothole and my head hits the roof. Startled again, I lean forward and knock, repeating the same question. Still no response. For the next few miles, I’m now antsy and annoyed at the driver. Thinking we should take another road, a more comfortable one, I voice my suggestion. The driver keeps going on this same road, I cannot feel him turning neither left nor right.

Aggravated, I ask the driver to stop the car and once he does, I get out and ask him to go sit as a passenger and let me show him how it’s done. The driver does not make a fuss or protest with me. He goes to the seat beside me instead and remains quiet as I take another road.

To sum up this long visual, the road that I take leads me to a dead end or rather an unfinished bride, or a road filled with more troubles than my car or me as a driver can handle. If I let the driver, God, drive the car on the road He has chosen, He is prepared to lead me safely to the end of my destination.

Out of the Wreck, I rise… In this life, with so many potholes and speedbumps, I truly believe that God chose this way for me to grow and shape me for the destination I’m headed for. I may not understand how a perfectly-planned semester in my eyes could take a turn for the “worse” but I trust in God and do my best to let Him lead me. So at the end of the day, at the end of my journey, I can proudly say “Out of the wreck I rise again.”

Psalm 91:15 “He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.”

Romans 8:37 “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”