I’ve been feeling convicted over the past few weeks about this title. Asking myself, probing inside of my soul for the answer… I know I should be directing this question to the one I’m asking, but somehow, I feel somewhat unworthy and not fit enough to ask Him this. Maybe because I’m a little wary or downright terrified of what His answer will be.

A few weeks ago, I gave some advice to a student of mine about finding out who God was to her. I specifically told her to spend some time and just direct this simple question to heaven. “Dear God, it’s me… I’ve heard about you from many people. They say you’re real to them but frankly, I’ve never really known you. So today, I’m asking you to reveal yourself to me.” I even promised that He would show Himself to her if her heart was determined to find Him.

Sad thing was I didn’t take my own advice often. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve really had an encounter with him. Last time I really ‘felt’ God was in college, in the days when I had NO choice but to depend FULLY on him. What happened to those humble times. I think of the passage that says “If my people will humble themselves and seek my face, I will hear from heaven and heal their land,” it makes me tremble. Simply because I know that I’m either not humble enough or I don’t seek his FACE as I should. It’d be cowardly of me to say that my lack of humility to seek His face is because I have a job now, I have more responsibilities. If that were the case, however, tell me why busier people are able to experience the power of God so incredibly.

I tremble at the sight of women and men who are so passionate, so driven by the fact that God exists to them, not because of their belief but because He has revealed himself to them. I’m envious when people say that God has shown himself to them. I ask myself, ‘Now wait a minute… Why won’t that happen to me?’ Then I clamp my mouth shut. I know the answer. It’s staring at me in front of my face. I’m scared, I’m lazy, I’m worried, I’m distracted. It all boils down to one simple truth. Excuses. It’s such a heavy word, a heavy burden that plagues me. A thorn in my flesh. I have to make an excuse for even my faith? An excuse for the fact that I have not experienced God as I ought?

Today, I was convicted yet again. I told myself this: I don’t want to wait until 10 years to get my faith, my relationship with God correct. People might ask, “Oh is it because if your relationship with God is not right, you can’t get anything you want, like a husband or a great career or children?” Nah… The answer is, I don’t want to waste 10 years missing an awesome relationship with God. I don’t want a shallow view of the One who created me, the One who sent His Son in my place on Calvary, the One who calls me one of His beloved children.

A man said that it is until we seek Him with our whole heart, until we dig deeper than what we are… That’s when God will show up. We can cry until tomorrow for Him to reveal Himself to us, but it is until our whole heart is COMPLETELY immersed in knowing Him, that’s when He’ll show up and reveal Himself.

So with that said… I am set on kneeling down, even if it’s for five hours or five days, praying and seeking Him completely until He shows up.

Let me start again. Dear God, it’s me… Are you there? If you are, please show up.

It’s been another few months since I posted on my blog. Just goes to show you how consistent I am about writing journals in general. Not very good, especially since my life has gotten much busier with the real world. Work is completely different from school, in case you didn’t know. Seems like some days are a little longer than most or some days just don’t seem to have enough hours. Still I’m adjusting… slowly.

My number one resolution for this year was to exercise patience with people and it HAS been a struggle. It seems that the more I try to love unconditionally, even the closest person in my life ends up being an obstruction to reaching my goal. To describe it as merely hard is an understatement. From day one, my patience has been tested and tried and I will be honest and say that, wow it is still hard. Getting more difficult by the moment. I sometimes forget about my goal to be more patient and loving despite the provoking, the misunderstanding… But I remember someone who went through all this and still ended up being the epitome of LOVE.

A prince closest to his Father, a son most beloved by all in his presence and most precious to his Father, ended up coming to this world to show the greatest gift known to man. Love. His love, it says the Book that talks greatly about him, is patient. Even when the people he came to love mocked him thoroughly… He still showed his patient love to them. Even when they accused him and made him bear their inquities on his pure being, made him be cast as the worst of the worst… He still loved them. He was misunderstood, accused and provoked more than any of us could imagine. And yet, he still loved them. He still loves us. Even when he took the blame for their mistakes, our mistakes, He still loved us. It’s amazing to me, the patient love of Christ. Yes, I am speaking of the Prince of Peace and the Lord of Lords. He became a savior to those who didn’t even realize who he was or know his purpose for coming to the earth in the first place.

I am humbled by it all, completely and thoroughly penitent about my own complaints of how hard it is to love someone who cannot help to provoke the impatience in me. I am repentant of my own idiosyncracies of what I think unconditional love is. Maybe I am rambling a little, words that flow nonsensically from my fingertips and onto this blog but my heart is completely contrite and atoning. Thank you Jesus for loving me unconditionally. For taking my blame and saving me.

As for the “provokers” in my life, I’ve not lost the fight yet. I choose to LOVE today. Forgive my impatience.

I’m neither a democrat nor a republican but wow… I looked up the words ‘republicans’ and ‘whining’ and found some interesting results on Yahoo search. Enough said.

My goodness. I know too many instigators in this life of mine. Too many that I cannot afford to keep in my life if I’m going to be growing. I’ve never known a more trifling individual as this one. I pray for strength DAILY, forcing my flesh to die before I totally lose my mind. Especially after the wonderful message about not allowing bitterness ruin what the Spirit has birthed within us–a spirit of love and patience. But seriously, this person should really know better. I almost feel like I’m being targeted or manipulated for some kind of response. My feelings are not unwarranted because this exact person has done this before. I really want to give this person the benefit of the doubt, but are you serious?

Well like 1 Corinthians 13 says… “If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.” Love is patient and kind and doesn’t fly off the handle and doesn’t keep scores of wrong. Lord, help me really be patient with this person.

I know this new journey I’m on to live fully and purposely in love will be difficult, considering that the devil comes in many forms to kill, steal and destroy. But I refuse to let him get to me through this. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Healing

When I think of healing, I imagine a one-of-a-kind masterpiece that is damaged slightly or severely. You, who owns this masterpiece are distraught at its condition and don’t know what to do. From town, you’ve heard about a specialist who repairs things and has been rumored to mend masterpieces. Except that yours is a one-of-a-kind and you’re not sure if he can fix it since he’s never fixed another of its kind.

Still, you’ve heard of his success with other masterpieces and go to visit. The specialist looks at the masterpiece, studying it carefully, turning it over and over. He’s puzzled because of its unique design and is not sure how to fix it but tells you that even though this is new to him, he’s fixed many others that are like it. So he tries to repair it using the techniques he used for other masterpieces. Except that with yours, something isn’t the same as it was before it got broken. It’s as if the specialist just placed a bandaid or super glue on it. However, the masterpiece cannot function as it did before it broke.

You’ve overlooked something. Somewhere on the masterpiece is the label telling you who made the masterpiece. The artist or creator knows your masterpiece better than any specialist who has studied it and turning it over many times. The artist has placed his contact number somewhere on the box the masterpiece came in and all you have to do is call him to repair it for you. So even though your specialist has tried his best to fix it, you call the artist finally and he agrees to mend his masterpiece to you. Though it might take a while, you’re certain that the artist will be able to fix your masterpiece and once you’ve called him describing the problem, he’s able to repair and does so quicker and more effective than any specialist.

So what is the masterpiece? Your whole being (body, heart and mind). What is the problem? Sickness, disease, syndrome. The specialist? A doctor or any man-made remedy. The artist? GOD.

Instead of going to look for a specialist, call on GOD to mend your whole being. He will always repair it.

Love

When I think about love, I think of a room full of people with puzzle pictures that are only missing the connecting pieces. Some are frantically trying to finish their picture while some are just leisurely glancing around the room and checking out the pictures there, wondering which puzzle they will complete.

You’re one of those people walking around the room, glancing from left to right, front and back, minding your own business. When suddenly someone approaches you with their puzzle, asking if they could see it fits with yours. So maybe the picture they have is a bit different from yours but it wouldn’t hurt to try right? So you agree and start to fit your puzzle pieces together. Oops. Nope, no fit. You tell the person that it’s obvious that you’re not supposed to complete the same puzzle and move on.

Maybe you try with another person to fit your puzzle pictures together, you’ve learned a lesson that they should at least have a similar design and theme to their picture before you try it out. Oops. Nope, still no correct fit even if the design is similar. Then oh my! Across the room, you see one puzzle that has the same picture as you! Oh but you don’t know if the pieces will fit together but you CANNOT miss this chance so you go over and introduce yourself, asking if you could try and fit pieces together with theirs. They agree and you start to put the puzzle together. But no! It’s not working! Although some pieces fit perfectly, there’s this one piece that just doesn’t go together. What on earth? You forcefully try to fit it, believing this has to be the right connecting puzzle. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work and the person says sorry, walking away to find another puzzle. You’re left with a bent and almost damaged puzzle.

Feeling a bit disillusioned, you trudge around the room with your debilitated puzzle and try not to notice the other puzzle pictures being matched perfectly and leaving the room. Then someone comes up to you with their puzzle asking if they can fit theirs with yours. You’re skeptical and frankly ready to give up. But this person has the same picture and the pieces look like they will fit. You hesitantly extend your puzzle and try to match it with theirs.

Even though all both one fit, including the troublesome piece that gave trouble for the last puzzle picture you hoped would match, because some of the pieces were damaged, it’s not a perfect fit but it is the right puzzle picture. If you had waited for this last person, the picture would’ve been completed perfectly. Still, this person is content that your picture fit well and you’re happy at the end. But your picture has a few bumps and torn parts…

So what’s the picture? God’s purpose for your life. What’s the puzzle pieces? Your character, your personality, your desires. What’s the room? The Universe. Who are the people in the room? Those walking in life with you. Who is the person with the perfect picture? The person God has for you to walk with you through life.

—

But this isn’t the end. Although your masterpiece has been compromised by your attempts to fix it on your own without the artist’s help at first, or your puzzle picture is a bit bent, there is an extraordinary gift called grace. Once your masterpiece has been repaired by the artist, he makes it new completely as if it was never broken or altered by the specialist. When your picture has been completed, there is congratulations given to you and the person who stands with you at the very end. You have done your work well and God gives you this grace freely if we just trust Him completely.

Oh man. Impatience is a thorn in my flesh these days… I can’t seem to practice the part about love being patient and kind very well. It’s a problem that needs to be resolved if I’m going to work at this change.

So yesterday, my mamie and I went to DPS office and wow, that place is a true test of patience, folks. The people have the biggest attitude problems on the face of this earth, walking around with chips on their shoulders 24-7. I couldn’t believe how rude they were–to even this elderly man who didn’t hear what they were saying. This particular woman kept barking orders and I prayed my mother wouldn’t get her because it might not turn out too pretty. Thankfully we were assigned to this nice police officer who handled the business with professionalism. And the queue… so incredibly long–just to change your license picture? Eesh.

Another test of patience… Siblings. My oh my. So hard to deal with, being patient. God, help me with this cross that I bear. To hold onto 1 Corinthians 13.

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.”

Today… The test is showing patience at all cost! At home, at the office, at school and even on the road!

Have a blessed day!

Not much to write about yet. Perhaps at the end of the day, I’ll write another post. Just wanted to highlight a very important passage in the Bible that will be my standard for this new change in me. Ephesians 4:17-32.

“And so I insist—and God backs me up on this—that there be no going along with the crowd, the empty-headed, mindless crowd. They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion.

But that’s no life for you. You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.

Did you use to make ends meet by stealing? Well, no more! Get an honest job so that you can help others who can’t work.

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.

Don’t grieve God. Don’t break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don’t take such a gift for granted.

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.”

Like my dad always says, ‘these words are enough for the wise‘… Let me go chew on this for the time being. Have a blessed day.

Still a bit strange to go on facebook and search for Jennifer, knowing that her last post was on the 3rd of November and that she will never post any more funny, quirky comments on people’s pictures or walls. I’m a little peaked now that this day is the week anniversary of her death. It’s a long journey in mourning. For many of her family and friends, this is another week without her and it’s just so very excruciating and painful. I cannot even imagine what is happening with the ones she held closest to her heart. Only God knows and will comfort them in His ultimate wisdom. Still, it hurts to think she won’t sing “Better is One Day in Your Courts” or “Your Love is Deep…” anymore.

Today was the third day of my new change and I came to another epiphany. Before now, I used to wonder about my future–especially about the man God will reveal in his wisdom to me as the spouse for me. I used to think and wonder when God would bring him and would I be prepared. Now my focus is a little different and I understand the advice that one should focus their whole attention and being on SERVING GOD, dedicating ALL to HIM and in due time, if it is in His will, He will reveal the spouse for you. I realize that my new desire is to accomplish my goals on earth, telling others about God’s love and salvation–as well as deliberately loving others with all that I am.

I had a scare today and left me a bit anxious and jittery. The nurse called me today about my results and I’m just believing God for a miracle–that it’s just an attack from the devil and that GOD will refute the devil’s plans immediately. In any case, I am in God’s hands and know that no matter what happens… He will use me as a vessel for his doing, a vassal for his purpose.

At the beginning of my day, I read Psalm 112:

Praise the LORD!
How blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
Who greatly delights in His commandments.
His descendants will be mighty on earth;
The generation of the upright will be blessed.
Wealth and riches are in his house,
And his righteousness endures forever.
Light arises in the darkness for the upright;
He is gracious and compassionate and righteous.
It is well with the man who is gracious and lends;
He will maintain his cause in judgment.
For he will never be shaken;
The righteous will be remembered forever.
He will not fear evil tidings;
His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
His heart is upheld, he will not fear,
Until he looks with satisfaction on his adversaries.
He has given freely to the poor,
His righteousness endures forever;
His horn will be exalted in honor.
The wicked will see it and be vexed,
He will gnash his teeth and melt away;
The desire of the wicked will perish.

It gives me comfort to know that a man who trusts in the Lord and fears Him “will never be shaken… that he will have no fear of bad news,” whether it is even death or sickness. We know that Jesus already conquered death that day he rose again after being buried up to three days. The heart of a man who fears the Lord will be “steadfast, trusting in the Lord… is secure and will have no fear.” Because “in the end, he will look in triumph on his foes,” especially and including the devil.

Be encouraged!

Today on my walk, I decided to leave my ipod behind (probably because I misplaced the headphones or the fact that I didn’t want to be distracted in my talk with God). Either way, I began my walk when I got an image revealed to me while I spoke to the Lord. When I think of grieving and mourning, I am reminded by a butterfly and a larva.

A larva is enclosed in this hardened shell and it struggles against it as it grows inside. The struggles are painful to the larva, excruciating suffering inflicted on the poor creature that if a passerby noticed, it might feel sorry and want to free the caged insect. But this is all part of God’s plan for that larva… to go through that suffering so that it can become strong and break from the cage eventually to become a beautiful butterfly. Same thing goes for mourning… The Lord heals in a process. It starts out with us denying the truth of a loss. Then anger that something could possibly be lost. Then despair at the fact that there is a loss. Then a breakdown where the loss becomes so clear in the mind and that this loss can never be replaced. Then the healing… The denial, the anger, the despair, the breakdown and realization are all part of the healing process. If we skip the anger and the despair and the denial, if we are rescued from the hardened shell too early, we might miss out what God wants us to learn there. We might miss out on the strength that God has for us there.

Yesterday, I began my new journey–my decision to live and love deliberately. And I came to the realization today that the devil is such a whining punk. Really, he hates when we take grieving and still praise God, still dedicate our lives to him instead of wallowing in the dark and forgetting God. He hates it when we decide to surrender ourselves to God. Yesterday, I started out with getting rid of selfishness and coldness. Most times, I don’t seek people out to greet them or show them much compassion. My philosophy was ‘if they want to talk to me, they’ll come to me.’ I realize that “me” was too much in my philosophy, in my way of living… much more than Jesus, love and others.

I made up a blog yesterday to account for my new life, my new decision to live and love deliberately. And this blog will keep accountability of the change that I so desperately need in my life. I want God to use me as a willing vessel for his work.

But anyway, like I was saying… The devil decided to attack me with guilt and self-depreciation yesterday night through a series of dreams and images. I was so disgusted with myself and thought, ‘God how can I possibly do what you want me to do with all this going on inside of me…’ Then I remembered a scripture that was read during a friend’s memorial service about her life and how she fully surrendered all, despite her past. The scripture, Romans 8: 1-4 reads:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.”

Because we are free from condemnation, let us walk in the Spirit of God and do the Will of God, following the purpose He has for us. I turn a deaf ear to the devil’s accusations, especially if I have confessed my sins and choose to live in Christ, I am a new creature and that the old things have passed away and I have become new in Christ. I rejoice that I can do His will and strive to be a better child of God, spreading his good news to the world. That He loves YOU!

Be Blessed.

… >> post transported from livejournalaccount <<

All this time, I have been wondering to myself why I even opened a LiveJournal account but after the live-changing event that happened this week, I am now sure what this will be. A journal that accounts for the changes I will make in my life from henceforth.

Sounds like a tall order… But I’m very prepared and even more inspired by my brother’s life and Jennifer’s life. This life is too short to not live in God’s purpose. I must achieve what He’s sent me to this earth to do. With that said, I’m off to set some priorities and clean house.