Rooibos

Such a cool name for a great tasting tea. So I went tea shopping today and found two delicious teas at Kroger. Was very surprised at their collection. It usually takes me ten minutes to go grocery shopping. I never understood why people could spend up to an hour strolling the aisles only the get the same stuff I got in ten minutes max. But here I was, staring at the collection of teas offered. It was a very tough decision at first. I wanted to try them all.

But I ended up buying Rooibos Red Tea and Earl Grey Black Tea. The first, I’d heard about from Doctor Oz’s show in passing… and the other, because I need it to retain my memory. The verdict on Rooibos Tea? DELICIOUS!! Subtle and yet so bold in flavor. Love it! My new daily drink, if you ask me.

So sorry for the absence. Blogging and journal-writing is very tough! I thought I would be able to write daily and maybe once school starts and I have breaks in between, I can write. But now, it’s a bit difficult. Anyway, not much has happened except learning to be more trusting in God. To be dependent in everything. It’s a daily lesson for me and I’m learning more everyday.

Well, until later. Go 2012!

No Compromise

Wow… Pastor really went off today. In a good way. This new year, I’ve been thinking of two words that should depict or represent what I want to achieve. Yeah, a God’s child, Humble Servant, Gentle woman, and so on are really great qualities to strive for. Definitely all three are noteworthy. But the two words that stick out the most in my mind, highlighted, bolded and underlined with loudspeakers attached to the exclamation points are these two words: NO COMPROMISE.

When both Christian and non-Christians hear those words, they stiffen. I admit I used to because of what it meant for my life and those who I surrounded myself with from day to day. There is an album by Keith Green, one of my favorite artists, that is titled No Compromise and all the songs on the list really deal with the topic, as if divinely tailored. Anyway, most people define “no compromise” negatively as if it’s synonymous with the adjectives judgmental, intolerant and crass. I disagree. Instead it’s standing firmly for what I believe in, unwavering no matter if a wind blows from left to right, front to back, top to bottom.

Jesus did not compromise, even when he stood with a crowd of tax collectors, sinful people or even the callous at heart. He remained pure, holy and worthy of praise. It doesn’t mean he remained silent about his character because he didn’t want to offend. In fact, he spoke very boldly about it. Nevertheless, his life showed up and the people listened and were changed. Not him, mind you.

I’m in no way close being like Jesus but isn’t that the point… Christians, to become like Christ? No Compromise means I do not verbally beat them over the head with my Bible or bombard their poor ears and hearts with religious speak  or condemn others for their behavior. It just means I am strongly accountable for mine. If I profess to being a Christian, then I must strive to stand for everything the Bible says a Christian should be…

We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, it’s natural. But No Compromise says that I die to your flesh DAILY, without apologies to anyone. It means I take on the armor of God and don’t feel self-conscious, penitent or embarrassed that the world has a different uniform from mine.

I’m seriously tired of that… being sorry or ashamed of my uniform, my faith, my stance. Why say I’m a Christian but I’m compromising all that I’m supposed to stand for? Just so I can keep certain friends or a certain reputation?

In the end, the chaff will blow away and the treasures are tested for their worth. I want to be found by God to have done what I was purposed to do, not how many people I managed to prevented from entering His Kingdom because of my need for acceptance. I believe that if I am firm but loving in my stance, accepting others for where they are and sincerely praying for where God wants them to be, the rest is up to God. I don’t want to sabotage someone’s future in Christ because I’m worried about my present status with the world.

Let me stop for now. Let’s just Selah for a moment.

Goodnight. Go 2012.

Hermit Alert

Around this time of year, I have the urge to stay in and away from people… It’s been this way for a while, every time this year. I’ll leave my phone (inadvertently) away from me and just fellowship with my family and be by myself. I don’t know when it started but it’s become a tradition almost (ha!). My friends who’ve known me for a while mention that I am M.I.A during the Christmas and New Year holidays but I think it’s during all holidays. Thanksgiving and Easter. Summer, not so much but yes, most of the holidays, non-family members take the backseat (unintentionally). I wonder if I’ll ever change the habit tradition. Friends, if you’re reading this, please don’t be offended. We all have our vices, and I’m figuring mine out.

Nothing heart-lifting today, I’m afraid. Just my daily musings… Keep it moving, 2012!

Beware of Christians

Wow, what an eye-catching title for a blog… But I can’t take any credit for that. It’s the title of an independent film made by four college students who leave Christianity behind to follow Jesus. Very thought-provoking and honestly, every person that professes to have Jesus as their Lord and Savior should watch it.

I was floored and challenged by every topic presented. Entertainment, sex, alcohol and many others. Honestly, I didn’t even watch the film in its entirety because my parents watched it on their own and “dragged” me downstairs to have a look. But from the parts I did watch, I’m more interested to sit down and watch the whole 93 mins of the film. When I do, I’ll have a more-in-depth post about it.

Stay tuned. Oh, by the way, reading Psalm 1 today with the family was awesome. My Papa calls it the Blueprint. It shows you what to do and what not to do.

Especially reading verse 3:
“That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.”

Leaves are important for a tree because it is the “kitchen” that produces the nutrients that allow the tree to grow. Without leaves, the tree withers eventually. Wow…. Selah. Pause. Think about that.

Well, goodnight now. See you tomorrow!

Praise and Worship

Rediscovering my love for worship! I just love to sing praises to God. I think all of my life, I’ve never been interested in secular music… Not throwing slugs on those who do, but everytime I hear a heartfelt song of praise or worship, I get excited.

To bring in the new year, my  dear Daddy pulled out all his sixties records and it was on. For some reason, I was able to remember the songs playing and sang along. I was on a roll…

And then Sunday in Choir. Wow! It was definitely on fire and I hope the Lord was pleased with our praise. I’m coming back to you, Lord. Returning to my first love, with singing and praising on the way.

Happy New Year, folks! 2012, let’s go.

Changes are my friend (Remix)

I’m beginning to lose sight of my talents.. What I think I’m good at. Things that were so easy for me back in the day, pre-continuing education, are now a challenge. I can’t even remember what it is that made me special. You know, being creative. I truly believe circumstances do change an individual. It definitely changed me. Writing was so easy, my mind looked forward to taking daily adventures into the impossible, to dream up unreal and outlandish tales in which my fingers would itch to recant on paper. But now… I feel there is a mental block, an analytic gate that impedes my imagination from doing what it does best… Imagining.

It is so difficult to watch myself morph into this left-minded person who can’t figure out a way to return to use its creative juices and be different.

Encouragement to remain creative seems to be nowhere but I don’t whine or complain about it. Life happens. I’ve changed. But that was 2011.

What should I do about 2012? Get it back, of course.

I want to do so much in 2012, my analytic head can’t stop racing to keep up. My imagination is pushing against the impenetrable gate that formed once I returned to school, begging to be let free. And I’m all for it.

What do I want for 2012? To return to my love for creativity. I want to write again, crazy impossible stories that only seem to appear in my dream. I want my itching fingers to find satisfaction in recording every dream, every thought in my mind on paper.

Enough with the illustrous diction. I want to write three novels by the end of 2012. I want to learn my native tongue and the Korean language by the end of 2012. I want to learn to play the piano WELL by the end of 2012. I want to paint ten paintings by the end of 2012. Mind, are you satisfied? I am, by the end of 2012.

Now, before I begin to embark on this journey of regaining my creativity, I must get to know and love more than anything the Originator of all creativity. The creator of all things seen and unseen. The Artist Extraordinaire. The Excellent Master. GOD. To Him all praise is due. One thing I’ve noticed in the past years is that as my faith became stagnated or grew at a slower pace, all the gifts that He gave me began to seem… insignificant. Maybe I’m drawing conclusions too early or making false correlations, but I am convinced that it does connect.

For 2012, I want my love and fire for GOD to be rekindled. A passion for all things GOD is one of my main goals this year. How can a creation know its full purpose if it doesn’t consult the creator first? It would seem futile to figure out on its own, wouldn’t it? This journey I am on to discovering my purpose requires that I follow the Creator and learn my purpose from Him. Heart, are you satisfied? I will be, by the end of 2012… By God’s grace.

Fear for the things unknown is one of the issues I battled with constantly in 2011. I believe this fear extends to all phobias I’ve foolishly claimed as my own for many years. Confessing a fear of heights, of drowning, of darkness, of death… It stifles the heart, the mind and the body from doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. In order to fulfill God’s purpose for me, this fear needs to leave. Time to step out in faith, physically and mentally. Live easy, love hard and trust better. God is in control. He’s always been. Soul, are you satisfied? I will be, by the end of 2012.

Of course, there are more resolutions… Like serving others, loving more and giving of myself to those I love. Forgiving those who have hurt me, being less of a procrastinator (I’ll deal with that later), and well getting a 4.0 in all my classes. With GOD, all these are possible.

OH! One more thing, I’m inspired to pick up a sport or some other activity besides Yoga at home or MJ Experience. It’s been a while since I did organized aerobics… I might just join a gym. Ha! Alright, let me be serious with my life. Commitments are another issue for me. I stick to something for maybe a month or two, but by the third month, I’m struggling to stay. I guess that’s why some resolutions seem pointless to make. Not with me. I’ll find an activity I like. Maybe water aerobics. I do need to address my dislike for swimming pools…

We’ll see… Until then, see you in 2012.

Shake ‘em off!

Disappointment and Fear. Shake ‘em off.

Worry and doubt. Shake ‘em off.

Critics and cynics. Shake ‘em off.

Nay sayers and disbelievers. Shake ‘em off.

Troublemakers and gossipers. Shake ‘em off.

Obstacles and temptations. Shake ‘em off.

Victories and trials. Shrug ‘em on.

Discipline and Rebuke. Shrug ‘em on.

Encouragement and challenges. Shrug ‘em on.

Uplifters and foundation-builders. Shrug ‘em on.

What/Who do you have in your corner?

You can’t have only encouragement and ignore the rebuke, just like you can’t fully appreciate the sweet taste of a supple red strawberry without tasting the sourness first… I’ve come to learn in life that EVERYTHING works for the good of them that love GOD. Even in the midst of a trial, I can win the victory. I appreciate where I am now because I can reflect on where I’ve been. Most times, the sky looks the most beautiful after a storm. It will rain, it will pour, the thunders will roar… It doesn’t change the fact that the GOD of Moses, Jacob, Isaac  is the same. He is Yesterday, Today and Forevermore. And guess what, you and I are precious to Him.

I have GOD in my corner and that’s all that should matter.

The Prayer of a Broken Heart

With death and devastation all around us, there IS one thing that remains constant in life. GOD is still on His throne. Hardest thing is recognizing how to surrender to GOD in all things. Even with the brevity of life so close at hand… I surrender all. Nine years later and I still find myself holding on… not letting go. I still ask why and there’s only one answer: Surrender all to Him. Not letting go… one of the hardest things I’ve come to learn about my walk with Christ. Lord Jesus, help me. I’m not afraid of my death… I’m not afraid of my end in life. It’s the farewell of those I love that still troubles me, wakes me up at night trembling. Caught with my mouth feverish in prayer, pleading and bargaining with God. As I am Hannah in the temple… Except she surrendered her will, her hopes to HIM, I’m still struggling to give it all to GOD. Although I know I should mean it with my heart right now… Lord, it’s hard for me to still say these words… I surrender all. Even in these times of sorrow, I know that YOU are GOD and I will serve you for all my life and onward. I trust YOU… even when it hurts.

A year older and still very much naive…

I’m 25. It came quickly. It was unexpected… I didn’t want it to come. I’m no longer a child… well at least on paper.

I still plan on living my life with a childlike amusement and wonder. To have the heart of a child eager to please her FATHER.

Anyway, happy belated birthday to me.

A little more…

I know it’s a bit dangerous to write about my personal life online… but this is my blog and I’ll do what I want. With a little censure, of course.

At this moment, words cannot express just how FRUSTRATED I am about stuff that is going on. For a second, I thought I could describe it but realized it might look like this:

ahahauyeuyrjalklfsug8eijaknfjdhfgjhejhgjarhgejakfahajfahfja….. ajhjahjfueyuqjqhjfhjhfauguwjljg93ry8eoyfuhakf!

As you can see from the above statement of gibberish, I don’t think anyone could fully translate what it is. Except frustration, betrayal and disappointment. Three words to describe a mountain of rampant thoughts running through my mind. Very inadequate, I’d say. But whatever, right?

I’m hurt. And angry with myself. Not necessarily anyone else because I am to blame for making myself vulnerable enough to be put in this situation. Time and time again. I was blind. I was too trusting. Even while keeping my true feelings inside, I was still hurt. Imagine a person covered from head to toe in hard, impenetrable armor, no skin showing, no weak spots revealed. Yet, in some discombobulated fashion, I still feel the sting of pain, the nudging of hurt pushing at my back, at my front, at my sides, in my face.

It’s painful to see an older version of the 19-year old self that got hurt last time. I don’t like to talk about past disappointments but after that, I promised myself not to go through this again. Not to trust so easily. Except that when you harden your heart so much and for so long, you don’t even let the well-meaning folks see the real you. The one that longs to love and share herself with those around her. I tried to discriminate, to separate the well-meaning folks from the users and for a while, I thought I did a good job. In a way, I had a posse that I knew were the REAL DEAL. I had, in a way, separated the chaff from the wheat and watched the chaff blow away in the strong wind. I looked around me and smiled, saying that those people around me were enough. No more, no less.

Please don’t misunderstand me and think that my circle is some exclusive club where I stand in front of a line of people and pick people, like a team for tag football or hide-and-seek. Honestly, think to yourself, subconsciously, your heart makes you pick those who you’d trust to be in your circle of friends and those who you’d choose to be in the acquaintance group or whatever you’d like to call it. Mine’s just called the Real Deal Group and the Chaff Team. Judge if you want, I wouldn’t know except if you put a comment down. Up to you.

Anyway, somehow I got careless. I removed one of the REAL people in my life and mixed them with chaff and allowed a member of the CHAFF team to enter my friendship circle. It wasn’t noticeable. I thought I’d made the right decision. I didn’t even trust GOD to let me know what was happening… what I had done. And how it’d affect me in the long run. All I knew was I was saving myself from hurt and disappointment.

Yet, here I am again… five and half years later, shaking my head that I’d let it happen again. Sometimes, I look up and shake my head at God, asking why He didn’t clue me in. Why He didn’t intercept my drafting into the circle of friends. Silence only answers me but it’s enough to let me know. Not necessarily why but how.

Hardened heart. It blinds you, it disorients you. It lies to you. Has a checklist for you when picking new friends and chunking old ones. She was two-faced, out. He was too sensitive, out. He lied to you, out. She gossiped about you–twice, OUT!!! It lies that no one BUT you is PERFECT and therefore, only those that come close to your PERFECTION can enter your awesome club of friends.

Truth be told, I have been sensitive many times towards people. I’ve lied to people. I’ve gossiped a few times. So who’s chaff team am I on? Hmm…

Heart check. Pride. Pride in my so-called good life. My good character that says all who lie, cheat, gossip and betray me aren’t worth a piece of my heart.

BUT how MANY times has JESUS been lied to, cheated by, gossiped about, and betrayed? Many times. Each time the hammer fell on the thick nail thrust in his palm. Every time that old leather whip struck across his back. As the infinitesimal thorns prodded into the crown of his head… Many times! And still he offered us the invitation. Not just to be in his club of friends, but as his brothers and sisters. That’s probably why I fidget when He says “forgive as you have been forgiven…” <— Uh, duh Dee, here’s your answer.

GOD forgive me. Even now that I feel stung and thrashed around, forgive me for my checklist, my botched-up list of friends and not-so-much acquaintances. I surrender it all to you and offer my heart. Let me love like you do and forgive a little more…

- most sincerely,
Dee